It’s Okay to Hate

How well do you know your husband or wife? Think you’re privy to their darkest secrets? Their hidden demons?

I once knew this guy who had no idea that while he was at work all day, his wife was turning tricks in their bedroom and using the cash to buy coke.

Actually, I didn’t know the guy. And it was a movie on Lifetime. But my point is, I know Martin. I know all his secrets. I’m not about to expose them here — who knows what might be useful bribery and extortion material down the road. But I can prove that things are not always as they seem. Here’s a little nugget.

If you go into Martin’s office, you’ll find a mangled piece of spiral notebook paper taped to the back of a door. It’s Martin’s Hate List.

That’s right. Mild-mannered, happy-go-lucky Martin, itemizes things he hates. It’s so out of character.

If you don’t know him personally, I offer up Exhibit-A of all-around nice guy:

So how and when did Martin succumb to such loathing? No one really knows, but take my word for it, the Hate List was revolutionary. It was ahead of its time. It began many moons ago, before the days of chain emails demanding that you fill in the blanks with your likes/dislikes, and “send this email along to 10 more friends…” It began when the Internet was still a glint in Al Gore’s eye.

Let me take you back to a time long ago called the Nineties. Martin worked for a recruiting firm peppered with a crew of 20-somethings. You know the types I’m talking about — those guys who wore khakis and polos left over from college, who’d be kicking a soccer ball down the hallway while they’d close deals over the phone. The guys spent a lot of time together in the office and at happy hour, and they noticed that easy-going Martin hated…well, lots of things. And not your run-of-the-mill stuff. So one of them started a list and over the years it grew. Since then the List has moved from office to office.

I’d forgotten about it until a few weeks ago.
me: “Hey, do you still have your Hate List?”
martin: “Yea, of course I do.” Over the phone, he read it over. It was like visiting an old friend. “Oh man, I forgot about this one, I really do hate this!”

So in the spirit of another random blog entry, I offer you Martin’s original Hate List, in the order of entries as they appear. Maybe it’ll inspire you — as it has me — to compose your own list.

Martin’s Hate List

•autograph hats
•above ground telephone lines
•”Okie” as a nickname
•this list
•people who return calls who are mean
•thumping drinking games
•crossword puzzles
•fiscal years that don’t coincide with calendar years
•people who throw cigarette butts out the window
•people who don’t breathe correctly when they swim
•making ice
•waiters and waitresses who make change in front of you
•when you go to costume parties and people with masks won’t tell you who they are and they pretend to be that character
•funeral processions
•people who sigh for no reason

There you have it. The List. Short and sweet and random. And, inspirational. You too, can be a hater!