Don’t Touch

“Don’t touch my stuff!”

That’s a daily declarative to the kids. Along with “Put that down!” and “Stay out of my office!”

If I could, I’d record these directives and they’d be emitted each time a sensor was tripped. I’m constantly warning the older kids. And Martin.

…who also feels the need to nose around that which does not belong to him.

Martin called me last week to proclaim the following:

“That thing you left on your chair doesn’t work.”

Right away, I knew the “thing” in question. A free grooming tool that I’d picked up at a trade show. A horse grooming tool from a horse trade show. I left it in my office at home, along with some treats and double-end snaps — a pile of supplies bound for the barn.

“That thing you got doesn’t work that well,” he flatly said again.

“It didn’t work? Did you try it on your sheep?” (We have Katahdin sheep and their hair falls out in wooley clumps.) “I’m not surprised it didn’t work on the sheep. Their hair is coarse.”

“No, I tried it on myself.”

“On yourself? What, on your face?”

“No! Well… yes. I tried it on my arm. And then on my face. But it didn’t cut very well.”

“Martin, it didn’t cut because it’s a shedding blade. A battery operated shedding blade.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Shedding is when an animal loses his haircoat, like when Maisie’s winter coat comes out and–“

“–you’re not actually explaining shedding to me? I know what shedding means.”

“Well then what are you doing?! That thing is supposed to help remove horse hair. It’s not going to cut that fur on your face!”

Please Andis, manufacturer of companion animal grooming products: I know that the packaging appears obvious…the horse photo and the slogan “perfect for all horse breeds”….But please, if it’s battery operated, if it’s remotely mechanical in nature, then some oafish guy is going to pick it up and try it on himself.
In the future, consider revising product literature to include disclaimer: not intended for shaggy goatee-bearing husband who might be enticed by “vibrating action blade button!” and “reduces shedding by 90 percent!”